“If you are a part of my job, label, go right now
'Cause its about to get disgusting.”
Chicago Boy - Ari Lennox
Last night for my birthday, I brought it in fucking my ex. Instead of feeling the bliss of great sex or the warm hum of maybe we should get back together. All I felt was the cold icky feeling of shame. I won't even begin to tell you how I got there because it’s an age-old story—too much champagne on an empty stomach with too little food. As I climbed in my truck, trying to wipe away the shame, I couldn't deny that while the liquor may have played a factor. The overwhelming truth was that I was horny! It's hard to say out loud, but I miss the consistent sex that comes with a long-term relationship.
As much as I like to act as though I am beyond sex, the sad truth is the lack of sex was starting to bother me and effect my mood. I could feel my shoulders growing tense as the days turned into weeks. When I hit a month, my shoulders were nearly up to my ears. I could feel myself snapping at co-workers in emails and phone calls. I wanted to blame it on the lack of sunlight or lack of vacations, but the truth is I just needed to have sex. There have been times when I have caught myself daydreaming about a co-worker, simply because they were nice to me! Have you ever been there before? In College, like the Great Toni Morrison, I was a little loose, and I carried great shame about it in my relationship.
But looking back, I wasn't nearly as "loose" as I could have been, and I honestly wish I could get back to that place. There is something so freeing about knowing all that you want from a man is his penis. There is something powerful about taking full ownership of your body and sexuality. In this society, there are still men who would deem me nothing more than a hoe. My ex certainly thought so and I spent my entire relationship trying to prove that I was a good girl. But what I know for sure, is that hoes get what they want, while good girls are stuck playing it safe.
I wish that I could tap into just a tenth of the energy of College Am. I was so bold, so impulsive, borderline ridiculous, and it was terrific. If there was a man that I wanted, I went for it! Because of that attitude, I met a guy I'll call Big Blue at a gas station. I was driving my Mom car, and my younger brother was sitting in the passenger seat. Now, my younger brother didn't look like a typical sixteen-year-old, and at a distance, someone could assume he was a grown man. But I still noticed Big Blue looking my way as I got out the car. So I may have put a little extra twist in my hips.
As we caught each other eye, I got in line to pay for gas and he stepped behind me. We exchanged words, and before I knew it, I was writing his number down. As I walked back to the car, I peeked a female in his passenger seat. But the base in his sound system and the model of his truck made me overlook a minor inconvenience like that! Besides, this was right after my first major break-up, and I wasn’t trying to fall in love. All I wanted to do was fuck! I thought for sure that this was what Big Blue wanted, but when he called, he had something else in mind.
He made a date and when he picked me up, he looked even better than I remembered. He was tall and caramel with the juiciest lips I’ve ever seen. He asked if I would like to play laser tag and I happily agreed. Before going into the arcade, we grabbed a bottle, took a few shots, and then cheerfully went inside. The game turned into us against a group of high schoolers. When he cornered me in the maze for a kiss, I felt like I stepped inside of a rom-com. Instead of calling it a night, we got Coney and ended up at his house. We finished the bottle, and it was then that I noticed him sending off a few sly texts.
At that time, I could care less, but who I am now, I would never deal with a man in a relationship. But this was a different time, so I let him send his text in peace while I happily snacked on some wings. Afterwards, he started kissing me and my lady parts started to hum. I leaned into the kiss, letting him take the lead and I didn’t mind when he started leading me down the hall. When he pushed me back on the bed, I thought for sure it was about to go down. But once again, he surprised me by taking his time, kissing and licking me until I was literally begging for more. Then he smiled, took a step back, and pulled it out.
I legit gasped and jumped back at the size. Suddenly, it made sense why he wanted to take his time. When he asked me if it was too much. I shook my head and tapped into my inner Samantha Jones. It was at that moment that I realized that God does in fact have favorites, and Mr. Big Blue may be one. Not only was he tall, fine, and had a great sense of humor … the man had the biggest dick I’ve ever seen! That night, he turned me every which way but loose. The next day I was sore and limping, but beaming with pride! That night was the best sex of my life. It wasn't just because of the size but because he knew what to do with it.
He also made a point to make sure that I was comfortable and enjoying myself. He was verbal and didn't mind letting me know how much he was enjoying himself. Mr. Big Blue was blessed but he was also gentle in a way that I've never experience. I would never forget the moans of affirmation he whispered in my ear! By the end of the night, I understood why his phone was blowing up. If he were mine, I too would want that dick to myself! But luckily for me, that night was just the first of many. Mr. Big Blue and I would go on to have memorable nights all summer. Including a time when his neighbors knocked on the walls because we were too loud—forcing me to do my first proper walk of shame.
When I got back to school, I lost my phone, and along with it, Mr. Big Blue number. To say I was sick was an understatement. I was so sick that when I returned home, I may or may not have stopped by his job, just praying I would run into him again. It never happened, but that summer I discovered a new type of feminine power. I learned that sex could be fun and that there are some men out there that only wants to give you pleasure. That summer as I ran away from love, I tapped into my feminine power and I hate that I let the shame of my last relationship take that away. Now I'm going to make a conscious decision to get back to that place. I won't be this wild woman disrespecting relationships.
But I will allow myself to be more bold and truly go after what I want. As I laid in my ex-arms, I realized that I wanted to experience more in my sex life. I want to find a balance between the reckless hoochie and the good girl. There have been too many times when I walked away from a woman or man wondering: Were they hitting on me? Should I have said something? Ten years out of the dating world has left me rusty. But I am so over the ‘what ifs’ and moments of regret, only to end up back in bed with my ex again. That cycle is literally the definition of insanity! I am also releasing this belief that I have to be a good girl in order to be loved. I can do what I want!
This year I'm focused on opening my heart and legs for some more experiences like Mr. Big Blue (minus the girlfriend).
AM
JOURNAL PROMPTS:
Would you consider yourself a good girl or hoochie?
How happy are you with your sex life right now?
Do you go after your desires in life and in the bedroom?
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