"(I) had to forgive all my frenemies They are not who they pretend to be!"
Janelle Monáe
This year has been one of the best years that I have had in a while! I want to say that cliché phrase, "I feel like my old self again." But the truth is I feel like a vision of myself that I have never known. I have never felt so confident, self-assured, and grounded in my being as I do right now! This past year has taught me that there is healing on the other side of pain. All my self-help, self-care, and self-love have finally paid off!
During a float in a derivation tank, I had an epiphany that I had a complicated relationship with self-care. There was a part of me that felt like it was self-indulgent. But after my float and embracing the way my soul was at ease, I realized that self-care is the highest form of self-love! There is absolutely nothing wrong with making yourself a priority. It’s a practice I intend to continue and prioritize for the rest of my life. I can't wait for the day when I can take my daughter to her first yoga class or spa day. Or being able to watch my son arrange his weekly flowers. I get excited when I think about the confidence and self-esteem my children will because they have a Mom like me! I know you are tired of me saying this, but I am genuinely proud of myself.
If you could have seen me three years ago, hell, a year ago, you would be proud of me too! But you know what, maybe you do? You have been here the whole time! You've seen my lows and now you get to witness my highs! I feel like I’m a shift away from having my Kourtney Kardashian Barker moment! Like, can you believe that she married? Remember when she vowed it would never happen? Now she’s happy, pregnant, and in a healthy relationship! After all those years with Scott and witnessing all the drama. It’s beautiful to see her in this space. She’s with a man who can't keep his hands off her and looking better than ever! She is the best part of the new Kardashian show because she gives me hope!
Taking a page from her book, I've decided to fully focus on myself and my career! It took getting my yoga class to remember that God can surprise you! Especially, when you’re not trying to micro-manage the process. I’ve decided to give him full reigns on everything in my life, including my love-life! But while this year has been amazing, it hasn’t been all sunshine! In fact, the sun has been mixed in with clouds of grief and moments of sadness. It’s like the movie Inside Out. With every new experience, I can't help but think about my old life and all the ways I limited myself. This year I had to grieve people, places, and attitudes that I had to leave behind.
When I wrote “God Is The Number One Stunna," it hit me that I have been chasing love my entire life. And when I replayed how I showed up in my relationships, I almost cried remembering all the ways that I have betrayed myself. It was hard, but I acknowledged all my toxic habits and realized they all stem from my inability to trust myself. Along with my deep desire to belong. I was desperate to be both liked and loved. But when you approach anything desperately, you tend to get desperate results! While I will never give up on love, I knew that I couldn't keep operating in that space. So I'm trying something new, to get something new!
What I know for sure is that I refuse to be in relationship just because of loneliness. That is not only a recipe for disaster but also dangerous in this True Crime society. Earlier this year, I spent a lot of time trying to get back to my old self. You know, doing the same "old" things I used to do! And it felt like I was trying to walk in shoes that were two sizes too small. Not only did it feel awkward, but it also just didn't feel good. Each time right in the middle, I would have this moment of regret. There was even a time when I felt like I put myself in danger and vowed never again! There was no "old" self to go back to. There was only moving forward.
Which can be scary because the future is so unknowable. Even with these psychic powers of glimpses into the future. I've learned the hard way that allowing those images to drive me only keeps my head in the clouds. To stay grounded I've learned to be present and wait for those things to come. It seemed the moment that I stopped trying to pull back the hands of times, the easier it became to move forward. Learning the phrase "radical acceptance' help me to put my past in the rear-view. I stopped wishing for things to be different and started giving myself something to look forward to! In Tuesday With Morrie, he said, “Accept the past as the past, without denying or discarding it.”
For years, I have been trying to go back in time and understand how I got to where I am today. I would get caught in this constant loop of “Well, if I didn't do this—then that wouldn’t have happened!” But the truth is it didn't matter! It happened, and it was done! All I could do was learn from it and move on! In one of my last fights with Sincere, he told me, "You live in the past!" As much as it stung when I wiped my tears, I realized that he was right. If it wasn’t me constantly replaying our past, it was the shit that happened with my parents. I couldn’t keep blaming the past for how things were today, even if it was true! It was the definition of insanity, and it was keeping me in a woe-is-me victim loop.
To break the loop, it took self- compassion and constantly reminding myself that I wasn't that girl from my past. I am not that helpless little girl who’s unable to speak up for herself. I am not that young girl who’s desperate to be loved. I am a grown woman who is fully capable of taking care of herself. I am a grown woman who knows what it’s like to love and be loved. I'm not just saying this because it sounds cute. This is a truth that lives in my bones. My past no longer haunts me, and I have fully made amends! There is not one thing I would change or wish different because it made me who I am!
I'm grateful for everyone who played a part in past hurts especially those who have chosen to abandon me... because had they not, I would have never learned how to stand on my own!
-AM
JOURNAL PROMPT:
What is your relationship to self-care?
What is your relationship to the past?
Do you believe you have control over your life?
Until Next Time:
“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide might we have hope.”
Romans 15:4 NIV
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