“Lovers don't finally meet.
They been in each other all along.”
Jay-Z
Going to the nail shop has become a self-care ritual and something that I genuinely look forward too! Not only do I get to pamper myself, but I also get to connect with other women and hear about all the things that are going on in the world. I do all this while guzzling down the crispest Prosecco and, on the rare occasion, a Moscow mule. Whenever I am at the shop, two things are bound to happen : (1) I will leave with a buzz (because I’m a lightweight), and (2) the conversation of men (or lack of them) almost always comes up! But it’s not just my nail shop. It's the bar, the hair salon, and on the latest episode of Caresha Please!
To the point that it seems like most women have given up on the idea of love. They either believe a man can't be faithful or emotionally available. Or they take on the attitude that if a man is rich and famous, then he's given a pass on being loyal. The bar for men is beyond in the pits of hell, and all I can think is: How did we get here? When did the relationship between men and women get so bad? In the 90's, Ginuwine was singing and begging a girl about coming over to his place. While in 2010, Chris Brown chanted these hoes ain't loyal. What happened in 10 short years? Could the internet and the rise of social media be responsible for the battle of the sexes?
I don’t want to sound like one of those guys on the podcast. But what happened to love and men and women working together? In my experience, like in my real-life everyday experience, men have always treated me like a lady. I remember once being at a gas station and about to put air in my tire. When a complete stranger came out of nowhere and did it for me, he didn't ask me for my number or try to hit on me or anything. He just saw a woman in the cold and got out of his car to help. But it's not just that one time. I have plenty of others.
Like once, I was running towards a building trying to get out of the rain, and a man came out of nowhere beside me with an umbrella. He proceeded to walk me to the office, and when we got there, he told me to have a good day and walked away. Another time, I had a fine man, and I mean a fine man, pay for my lunch simply because he liked my energy! There are a lot of good black men out here, and it's dangerous to keep pushing this narrative that it's not. That is how we ended up with a young Trayvon Martin shot down while walking back home from the store. Whenever a girl says, "Ain't no good men out here" or "I've given up on love." I silently say to myself: I refuse to give up on love!
I love the City Girls, but sometimes it scares me to see young girls out here in the streets. Modesty and decorum have become a thing of the past. It scares me that some of these kids are taking the City Girl vs. City Boys mentality to the heart. I know you're probably thinking, 'It's just love, Am'. But if people stop believing in love, how can they have hope or faith in the world? Love is all there is, and sometimes, I think people forget that the world is nothing but a reflection of our inner mirror. If you don't like what you see, then you need to change what you believe.
In All About Love by bell hooks, she references Harold Kushner's concerns about cynicism in today’s youth:
I am afraid that we may be raising a generation of young people who will grow up scared to love. I am afraid that they will grow up looking for intimacy without risk, for pleasure without significant emotional investment. They will be so fearful of the pain of disappointment that they will forgo the possibilities of love and joy.
bell hooks wrote this book in 1999. I could only imagine what Kushner would say about the world today. I’ve come to the realization that I cannot tell people what to believe or even change their beliefs. All I can do is live my life and pray that it inspires them to try something different. I've learned the hard way that it’s a waste of energy trying to force my way of life on other people. But vocalizing my beliefs affirms them for myself and sends a direct signal to the universe that despite what I see, I'm hanging on to my beliefs. In turn, it shows that person that not everyone has given up on love. So maybe they shouldn’t either?
One time, I was at the nail shop, and a woman was sitting beside me getting her nails done. On her lap, I could see her iPad, and despite getting serviced, she had her headphones on. Then, out of nowhere, she asked out loud, "Do you mind if I give a testimony?" It turns out the woman was at a bible study. She talked all about how her ex-boyfriend walked out on her, and it shattered her self-esteem. But now she was stronger, wiser, and in love with the man of her dreams. She ended it by saying that her ex nearly killed her self-esteem, but through attending Bible Study, God had restored her faith and delivered everything she lost, tenfold.
The next thing I knew, I was crying with her because it felt like that woman was speaking to me and my future. My breakup with Sincere was hard, but what was worse was breaking up with my old life. That shit nearly killed me. For three years, all I did was work, write, and go to the grocery store. The shame of all I lost kept me hiding myself from the world. But for the last two years, I have been making a conscious effort to live and to believe in the possibility of finding love again.
But instead of looking for the ideal man, I have been focusing on becoming the best version of myself. I am pouring all my energy into me and freeing myself from beliefs that no longer serve me. It's exciting to focus on my new projects and find happiness outside of a man. For the first time in my life, all I'm worried about is Cudi and I, and I thought that would be terrifying, but it feels pretty damn good. It’s a privilege to have this time to re-learn myself. I’m grateful that I have the freedom and luxury to do something that nearly no woman in my family has ever done, and that’s building a life without it revolving around a man or kids.
I have manifested a yoga class and a writing group. I've met some of my favorite authors and even had dinner with some of them. Once I started living, my life became better than my wildest imagination. If God can bring me here, what else can't he do? My mission right now in life is simply to trust the universe. I will get to experience that kiss, I will be a New York Times Bestselling author, I will get to cuddle with my kids, and I will meet my version of Mr. Big (minus the fuck-boy antics!!)
I will get to experience it all because that's what I choose to believe! So, what about you?
AM
JOURNAL PROMPT:
Do you believe in the battle of the sexes?
What is your history/relationship with men?
Do you believe in love?
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